audrey and clarissa broke the news to me at the end of the day.
i was like counting down to the end of feb. so audrey wrote, "end of feb, 5++ more days."
actually i was okay with the fact the new bari sax was not coming at the end of feb. i guess as much that it most likely not coming. but, when i started to think back, the truth was way to harsh for me to comprehend, i felt really dissappointed and down. i felt really unbeliveable. on one hand, i know that it might not come and i should not feel to sad about it. Despite knowing that, i still hope that it will come and was happily counting down. but the truth is, i am not happy. knowing that it's not coming. why do i feel this way? everyone likes to have a new instrument. i guess me too. time and time again, i got deceived. but i did not lose hope, i continue waiting for the day, that moment.
yesterday, was so terrible, could not warm up and play properly. felt totally disheartened. i felt weak and that i could just break down anytime. tried to stop thinking about it, it just was not possible. sorry for not doing my job well. i apologised for not ensuring that the band is quiet.
somethimes, i feel that i dun have the power to keep the band quiet. i doubt i am qualifed to do it. they will just start chatting again after a few secs. is that my problem or what? i constantly blame myself for not be able to keep them quiet. thanks to people like audrey, sherri, eunice and joey for helping me. glad to have your help. i knew i could not be a good discipline and welfare officer, wanted to prove myself wrong. guess i was right, i just can't do it.
the future of the bari sax seemed unclear. got zero successor. mr de wanted to put cheryl to alto. so ya. it's alright. no one wants to play huge instruments. neither did i, but i learnt to accept it and i enjoy playing the bari sax. i really do love it. glad mr de made me play the bari about 2 years ago, after sir left.
heard about something else. can't believe that it is true. sighs. although cannot be bias lah, but somehow, i still dun like it.
reality, really, truely ruthless, but we all have to just accept the fact. there's no freedom of speech, even though if you speak up, no one listens or take up your suggestions.
live a silent life.